I just finished watching Sex In The City (the movie) and I always feel the need to write afterwards… I feel like Carrie Bradshaw in here fabulous New York apartment over looking what I hope I will achieve in my future. But there is no future without a past. Don’t get me wrong, experiences are good! Their a way of coming to grip with who you really are; and getting to know yourself inside and out. But with great experiences can come great pain. As a teenager spending most of my life divided between two houses, two parents and two families- it is so easy to get lost in the world you have been forced into. Lies are easier to tell, loyalties can be lost and found again and the simple joys of teenage life can be forgotten and wondered about.
Take today for example, I spent almost the whole of lunch staring at these two teenage boys, of course for more than one reason (they we’re HOT) but the most important reason was that I never really felt that feeling before. I never witnessed friendship like that, where teenagers can be so far away from home but feel so close to someone they love. I must admit- that depressed me a lot, and for the rest of the evening I fell silent and it didn’t help that on the way to the parking lot I saw the two boys plus ten other teenagers dancing and doing backflips and laughing. Having fun. I really don’t think I’ve ever seen myself in that way. I’ve had trust issues with practically everyone in my friendship circle, I’ve had low self esteem issues since forever and worst of all, I relied on the worst people. I relied on the people who weren’t sure if they could do the same back. I tried too hard to be something I’m not for approval. People we’re impressed with my good grades or my high hopes for the future, they were interested in how many boys I’ve slept with or how many times I’ve come close to ‘doing it’. Being the silly girl I was – I fell for it; I lied and lied and lied and lied and for what? For approval of people that didn’t even deserve my time. For those girls to think no better of me than they think of themselves. THAT’S the sad part. As hard as it is to forget the past, I find it even harder to focus on the future, especially when the present is so dull and lifeless.
I focus on things that distract me the most; which mostly end up being my weight and attraction to boys. That plan always sucked. There was always a voice in my head telling me to except who I am and look at the positives, but I just couldn’t see them. So, as any normal teenager would, I altered myself to fit my perfect image. I changed my hair, I changed my fashion and worst of all, I changed myself… That had to be the most stupid thing I’ve done and I’m still paying for it now. But time goes on, my heart still beats and I will heal. Eventually.
R U N T C 